| Light em UP, boys |
[27 Aug 2007|02:14am] |
Blaine showed up around 1:45. Faraaz showed up around 2pm. And so we sat cross-legged, with overcast skies looming above. Blaine. Me. Faraaz. Andrew. Maya. Derek. Devon. Simon, Cathy, and Stephen had just taken off. My eyes were red because I had already cried before, with Maya on the marble staircase. Putnam joked that he was like a famous comic where a grinning old man is shown amidst a group of sad and sulking faces.
The smokers had one last cigarette together, then Erin closed up the truck. We each got our goodbye hugs and began crying our eyes out one by one. Devon held his composure with only a slight quiver in his voice. Then he sullenly dragged himself to the cab of the "Budget" rent-a-truck and closed the door. Twenty seconds went by and the intermittent rain drops turned into a light drizzle. Abruptly, Devon burst out of the cab and collapsed on us, bawling with three years of passionate emotional energy. I looked back and everyone was crying as profusely as I was. It was raining on us. The first rain of the summer. A new era was dawning, and we all knew it.
Erin had the GPS system set and so Devon hopped back into the cab. He rolled down the window and pointed at us with a cigarette. There was a break in the rain. "Light em up boys," he called out, and the truck drove into the distance, down the weathered Evanwood road, which we have travelled down hundreds and hundreds of times together for coffee and burgers, smokes and parties.
I looked back, and everyone still had tears in their eyes. We sat silently in the rain, staring blankly into the distance. But then I spoke. "I'm hungry," I said. "Blaine and I need to get some food in us." And so everyone followed with their retorts as well. We all knew that the end had come. Hugs ensued and so we were off, back to the daily routine, back into the story. I'd never felt so mortal in my life, sitting with a group of human beings, feeling pure emotion.
It'll be fantastic to see the Great Geyer in a few months, but I know it won't be the "same." We'll have our new life experiences, and we won't be "home" anymore. Sitting in the empty studio will be a trip, not a daily comfort. The era is simply over.
I'll never forget what Devon and the abode on Bath Court have taught me. I learned how to think. I had philosophical conversations over bottomless mugs of tea with Adam and Devon until 3 in the morning. I smoked my first bowls of marijuana and had my first taste of alcohol while listening to the Velvet Underground.
But most of all, I'm going to miss the man himself. Oak Park has been great, but in the end, it's Devon Clarke Geyer I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss his absolutely ridiculous yet brilliant recreations of songs when he's explaining them. His falsetto voice, and cat-meow screech while he calls out "A flat!". I'm going to miss his ability to take ten people that are friends with him, but not with one another, and create an unparalleled chemistry. I 'm going to miss the thick-rimmed glass cups and Putnam's remarks about "us troublemakers" when his hairy thighs are exposed. I'll miss Erin's political exuberance and endless Tivo'ed episodes of "Colbert Report" and "The Whitest Kids U Know."
Devon symbolizes my transformation into an adult. Devon is my best male friend, bar none. We've opened up together. Laughed so hard that we've cried. Cried so hard that we've laughed. We've sat naked together reading Vonnegut on the balcony, our six inch dicks dangling over wooden seats. We are two beats that transformed from corn-dog eating meatheads to proud intellectuals together in 3 years. There's no way to fill the void of a best friend. I couldn't ever list the idiosyncrasies I will miss every day. His confidence, his elan, his musical talent, his sensitivity, his love for life and ideas! His fearlessness when using new words or exploring new ideas! His sandwiches on Foreman grills and willingness to always make someone a meal if they are hungry! Ah. I'll never find a replacement for one of the best human beings on the planet. How does Carbon arrange itself so!
And so I shall conclude in saying, this has been a hell of a 40-month stretch with Devvie. I lurve him like Woody Allen lurves Annie Hall. My brother, my best friend and I are moving on to later stages of our lives. I'm sure Clarkius Caesar could think of a brilliant metaphor but I'll just bid farewell to the last vestiges of high school, of childhood, of Oak Park, for the place has lost much of its meaning to me. No longer does it hold the greatest symbol of my teenage years, but I look forward to writing the next chapter of my life.
In the absence of God, one must cherish the one life they have to live. I couldn't have asked more out of these past few years. I am complete, and I thank every one of you who has been part of the last few years at Devon's house. You are fantastic people and I hope you realize that we've all created something very special that doesn't occur too often in the cosmos. Maybe once every....hundred billion light years or so...
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| First entry in a while---I apologize for any egregious grammar mistakes. |
[26 Jul 2007|03:29am] |
I was just looking at a chart called the "Real Threat to Americans." It is a standard bar graph, with it's legitimate sources listed underneath. It shows how many deaths in the United States occurred from 2000-2005 due to various causes. At the very lowest is terrorism, with 3,000 deaths, essentially all caused by the 9/11 attacks. Next is homicide, with 96,000 deaths and it slowly moves up the ladder (with lack of health care, obesity, suicide, and cancer all players). Finally, the graph reaches, Heart disease, which caused approximately 3.1 million deaths during the specified years.
Now why, might you ask, if the terrorism-related deaths are so low, do Americans fear it so much? I believe it roots in a common psychological concept called the "Availability Heuristic." This is also why most Americans fear airplane travel much more than car driving. (Which is statistically thousands of times more dangerous) Based on a small sample size, the mind distorts one's entire view of a subject due to emotional overreaction. The notion is simply "more available."
Politicians play off the Availability Heuristic all the time. In my opinion, this is why George W. Bush is our president today. Obviously terrorism is not something to fear nearly as much as the mainstream media pushes, however Americans are being emotional, not rational.
***
Let me digress. On the topic of terrorism, I would just like a moment to rant. Why on earth is Ward Churchill no longer a professor at the University of Colorado - Boulder? For those of you who don't know, Churchill published an Essay in 2001 that suggested those who died in the 9/11 attacks 'had it coming'. Well, that's what the media announced in 2005. However, that is a BLATANT over-simplification and plays off the American archetype of rah-rah, gung-ho bullshit. What Churchill was saying is FAR MORE rational and based in fact. Let me explain:
1) Just like the Ron Paul controversy, Ward's essay contains a stigma in Bush-era America. It suggests that *gasp* America's aggressive, imperialistic, militaristic foreign policy ACTUALLY HAS A CONNECTION to provoking terrorism! (what an idea, right.)
2) This idea that both Ron Paul and Ward Churchill have become famous for saying is not by any means a radical, conspiritorial notion. The CIA, the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY, and the 9/11 commission report both unambiguously state that America's foreign policy has exacerbated, not alleviated terrorism and caused hatred towards our country. This is not an issue about freedom or jealousy, but as a token mobster would say "You fuck with my people, I fuck with your people."
3) So if the CIA (not exactly a progressive institution) can conclusively agree, then we shall move ahead. The World TRADE center, played a large part procedurally and symbolically in both the military-industrial complex and American imperialism.
4) Now let me move to a metaphor quickly to exhibit my point. Let's say your uncle decides to take a walk through Compton at 3 A.M wearing a bright red T-shirt. (The color of the bloods). He gets shot up and is found dead the next morning. Now, of course no one is going to say, "Wow that motherfucker really had it coming!" because although it may be true, it's insensitive. Most people will say, "Wow that's unfortunate, but he was walking in harm's way...."
5) This is equivalent to some of the people in the WTC. Just like Ward Churchill, I am saying SOME of the people. Any individual working for the military-industrial complex KNOWS what they are a part of. They know how the world feels about them. And of course, there are people who deserved to die infinitely more than the poor people in the WTC, however, they were in harms way. If saying that is treason, then I guess I'm guilty.
It was quite simple for Wild Bill O' Reilly and the rest of the punditocracy to feed off that story for months. When I flipped through Fox News today, Geraldo was STILL harping on it! He called Ward (for the ten-thousandth time) "a despicable man." You know what? Geraldo is the despicable man. Geraldo is a right-wing cheerleader with Red, White and Blue pom-poms---ignoring rationality, ignoring emprical evidence, and promoting ignorance in this country. Unfortunately, due to the Availability Heuristic and theories of memetics, these idiotic nationalistic clowns will continue to thrive like mold spores on a wet piece of toast.
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" - FDR
ps. Life is fun. I'm looking forward to more intellectual stimulation in Santa Cruz.
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[19 Mar 2007|01:57am] |
What a strange weekend! HA.. Seriously, this weekend was one of the most up-and-down, amazing-terrible weekends that occurs occasionally. I'll just sum up each day in a concise sentence, for I am tired and I need to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight.
Friday - impromptu nature show, Blaine driving my car to and from Devon's (WOO first time ever past 11pm)
Saturday - Return of the Jedi, Trader Joes with Blaine and Andrew (Orange Chicken and Salad woo), awkwardness, Flit's party, more awkwardness, Marco's for a moment, awkwardness, canteloupe, back to Flit's, cops, passed out Ellsworth, Kristen and Devon reconciling, wonderful moment on the balcony like old times, sleeping at Blainey's until 315am.
Sunday - Devons, Bill Maher/Colbert, Blaine and her eye stie, walking to Beanscene, amazing conversation about morality/human nature in the kitchen while others smoked blunts, awkward hillness, studying, the beach, the old crew @ devon's until 1am singing, dancing, cracking jokes like usual.
I would just like to say that this week should be interesting. I'm hardly going to get the chance to see my favorite person on earth, and that is so hard to face! Shit, why do some parents have to be so anal? Right now, it's easy to say "oh well, I'll see her on Friday." But tomorrow when I'm sitting at Moorpark, all alone, isolated in an indifferent world of brohos and fucking arbitrary commuters and drug addicts of post-modern suburbanite america, I will long for her immediate presence! I will want to ditch every class just to hold her. I will want to just leave during the middle of class,kiss her better, snatch her from rehearsal, what EVER! Fuck, she is the only person I want to be with at all times. I want to sleep with her every night, wake up with her by my side! i want to have the best moments and the worst moments with her! Anything and everything. Sure, all relationships (friendships and beyond) have their ups and downs, their awkward days and their normal days. it's all part of the cycle. A stressful time is upon us. But hell, I'm really looking forward to this upcoming weekend.
I might actually have to go back to fresno on Friday (if I sell a decent amount in the next 2-3 days) oy, that would mean no blainey until Friday night.
PS. If you didn't get it, I love everything about Blaine Matis, my stargazing fabulous girlfriend.
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[05 Mar 2007|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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trix |
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music |
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highway 61 revisited |
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Haha I LOVE wikipedia. Say what you will about user-edited content, but listen to this. I just studied botany in Bio 2 for 2 weeks and sort of got it. I spent 90 minutes reading all the Wikipedia entries, and seriously everything tied together! It's amazing how clear the entries were, how they alluded to one another ! I could see the micro and macrocosm simultaneously! What a boner.
Today was kind of a burn. John Sobel fucking broke Devon's window in the studio.
Okay, not the whole day. Spending time with Blaine was incredible like always. Thank you friends for displacing me from the bleakness of moorparkiality.
binladendidn'tblowuptheprojects.
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[05 Mar 2007|01:08am] |
This was certainly an incredible weekend. In fact, it was in someways legendary. Now I just wrote a 5 page journal entry to myself so I don't feel like going into extreme detail, but I'll skim some of the main points in a shitty bullet point list...
Friday (2nd) -
-Ventura Blvd. with Ethan and Dani Fine, exuberantly eating Baja Fresh and prancing down the street, conversing with friendly strangers.
-Visiting Ethan's grandma in the hospital
-Arriving at Devon's and making snickerdoodles with 10 people, which accidentally erupted into 35 people, a de facto MOD PARTY V.
-Playing ukelele and having a singalong with Blainey, Molly, Kait and Marco (standout song = CHICAGO)
-Dropping off Blainey at 1 am, then conversing with Mosey Wosey about Philosophy, Politics, Sociology, and Psychology (as well as Santa Cruz college life) in depth until 4am
-Talking with Courtney about Hydrogenated Oils & Veganism until 445
Saturday (3rd)
- Awakening at noon to find the entire house clean and two wonderful human beings still in Devon's room (Mose and Nicole)
-Going to Marco's to play Wii sports
-Blaine arriving at Devon's around 6pm looking absolutely gorgeous in her soft, cute indie shirt and lightly makeup-laden face.
-Going to Trader Joes' and then making Pasta/Soup/Salad with Blainey and Ethan
-Kait's party (Piano, Wii bowling, realizing a fat girl was the origin of the milky way)
-Faraaz, McGachey's, Simon Lewis, etc coming to Devon's house
-Driving Faraaz, Andrew, and Simon back to Calabasas for 6 dollars and a sip of water.
-Seeing Faraaz's insane mansion (The fucking outstanding courtyard and backyard)
-Sleeping over with Blainey. (hardly any actual sleeping)
Sunday (4th)
-Catch and Wii with Marco
-IN N OUT/great conversation/Eternal Sunshine with the Fab Four (Me, Nicole, Mose, and Blaine)
-Chappy park at midnight with Mose, Faraaz, McGacheys, and two Putney School kids
My stay at the Geyer residence has been fabulous. Honestly, since Thursday afternoon I've been constantly stimulated with people, phone calls, and arbitrary things to do. However, it's left me with an intense empty feeling. I think I'm just greedy or something. I swear, every time my life gets wonderful, I enjoy it, but then I just want more. Blaine and I hadn't had a sleepover in literally a year---but now I just want to have them often! I want to have a house to myself now! I've gotten accustomed to living like this already. Oy. I don't know...it's just that school is so depressing/unfulfilling compared to actual "life" (That which is not Moorpark). I don't have a job, so I don't have an identity, and everything just seems to be in limbo. Most of the time I feel like my relationship with Blaine is flawless, while other times I see gaping holes that cannot be mended. Blaine is busy with rehearsals for the rest of this month on a daily basis, and I'm going up to Fresno this Friday...It's just, ugh. I don't know, it's just that I feel like the next few months are just going to barrel by ruthlessly. Spring break will come along, I'm going to SC for a few days with Ethan, then Blaine will be college watching---summer school for me, graduation for her, europe, insanity---and I'm not even sure where I'll be living at that point. Am I really going to go to Santa Cruz next fall? Am I really never going to be friends with my parents again? I miss having Mom and Dad under one roof. Sure my friends love me. Sure my girlfriend loves me. However, I really understand the existential lonliness all those philosophers talk about. I'm just a fucking glob of atoms vibrating around an indifferent sphere of dust and I'm as confused as ever.
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[11 Feb 2007|11:52pm] |
I was just reflecting on everything I heard about the retreat this weekend and it really made me realize that not having a camp experience is the only thing I regret about my childhood. Anyone who has talked to me about my childhood knows that I think quite highly of it. In many respects, I believe it was as perfect as a childhood can possibly be. Honestly, there was the familial cul-de-sac of children, just enough mischief mixed with day to day drama and chaotic, spontaneous insanity. However, one thing I never wanted to experience was camp. Distressed with separation anxiety, I never sought to leave home and spend time with myriad strangers. My parents were never ones to insist on something of that nature, so in turn it never happened.
Now as I look back upon 18 almost 19 years of life, I wish at least once I would have experienced the phenomenon of transient friendship and emotional trust on a large scale. I've been blessed to have close friends I could confide in all throughout my life. That is no small feat, in fact, I am infinitely grateful for everyone. However, something sounds alluring about camp mentality. Sitting up telling bedtime stories, eating sub-par grub, and sleeping on dilapidated mattresses with mosquitoes and myriad viruses buzzing around. I want memories of giddily sharing life stories under the surreal veil of a dark room. Late-night whispers between two friends and the excitement of a fresh crush or rumor of a inter-counselor hookup. Where are my memories of sitting and crying with a group of people, tears evaporating off my face because of the fire nearby? I will never experience these memories and so they will FOREVER remain in a state of imagination.
It sure is strange to think of forever. Oh well, it's just a thought. All the lifeskills kids got my mind looking for comparison. I'm starting to think the only reason anyone does anything is to please or impress those of the desired gender.
P.S: Outdoor Ed in 5th grade was a lifechanging experience for me and I vowed (i have it written down) to be a counselor when I was a senior. HA. My 5th grade self would kick my ass if it saw what i've become.
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| why is john mayer on the cover of RS |
[11 Feb 2007|02:07am] |
What can I say about perfection? It's subjective, yes, but that doesn't really do it justice. Perfection is a feeling of completeness.
Today I Wii Bowled for 1.5 hours, ate cold pizza, conversed with Blaine's parents for a few hours, ate sushi, and greeted Blainey in her post-retreat comedown. Doesn't sound too objectively interesting, right? Well, I can easily say it was one of the best days of my life.
For some odd reason, everything just clicked. Today was a fucking lego set. yes a lego set, I'm sure of it. From the moment I saw Blaine juxtaposed with the croud, glowing, I knew the night was going to be incredible. I cannot even explain how beautiful and infinitely interesting that girl is. I'm not even going to bother attempting to put into words the feeling we sustained for a good three hours tonight. Perfection. Maybe not Plato's form of perfection, but certainly my form of perfection.
I get along immensely with her parents. We think alike, listen to the same music, enjoy the same everything, have similar outlooks on religion, politics, literature...we come essentially from the same social class, race, age group; I don't know how it could get any better. I feel like Romeo and Juliet minus the...uh...problems. Seriously, that story would have been better if the Montagues and Capulets just calmed the fuck down, had a few beers, and allowed R&J sit in the backseat of a 96' Camry while listening to memory-evoking songs under the gentle pitter-patter of misty drizzle.
Who cares about the meaning of life? I'm either matter made primarily of Nitrogen, Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Phosphorus and Sulfur, or a supernatural creator put me here for a reason. Ultimately, that makes no difference. I am in love.
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| My DAY! |
[05 Feb 2007|10:09pm] |
Today was an absolutely wonderul/overwhelming/confusing day. I sit here questioning the principles of space and time. (just kiddin.) I awoke at 7:30, took a shower, shoved an Eggo in my mouth and drove to Moorpark. Running off of CSUN time, I gave myself 1.5 hours to pay tuition, buy 2 books and walk to class. However, in actuality, this took 20 minutes, so I had a good hour to burn before Sociology. I spent this hour wandering around the campus, reading my freshly bought Critical Thinking books, and staring into the infinite blue while listening to jazz.
Sociology turned out to be an incredible class. Not only were there a few familiar faces from high school, but the professor is right up my alley. She's a good-looking asian twentysomething with a PhD in Sociology and an emphasis in pornography studies. Plus, her favorite radio station is KPFK and I can tell her views are blatantly left-wing. She had a brilliant statement to make about the field:
"Sociology emphasizes the group rather than the individual. In America, we have the fantasy of the individual, the fantasy that psychology is the ruling force and that our desicions are based upon wholly. However, this is not the case, and most of our behavior is dictated by group sociological principles."
After Sociology, I went up to Casey, an aquaintance from my 11th grade history class, (MR. PETERS!) and we walked down to his car so he could toss the books inside and then we headed over to the cafeteria to pick up a beverage. We sat in the cafeteria from 11 til noon bantering about Oak Park and where various people are going with their lives. The most interesting story he told me was that Jonathan Wagner, an asshole I used to know back in middle school is in a coma and will most likely die. I always wondered how long it would be until the first kid I knew would die... (I still need to experience marriage and a child this way)
At noon Casey had to go to class, and so I sat down in the Quad. The sun beat down on my forehead, my transition lenses were in full effect, and sweat beaded all over my body. Ten minutes into this solar onslaught, I heard a voice above me, and it was Cosmo! Cosmo Stevens, my childhood buddy was standing above me. Before long, Steven Flit, Nick Wheaton, and Turkish were there as well! I felt like I was in high school again, surrounded by familiar people, talking about pointless events in our lives.
The moment the Oak Park brigade departed, a girl sitting at the table next to me sneezed and I said "bless you." She radiantly smiled back and we ended up talking for 40 minutes. Nice girl, that's for sure. I absolutely love just talking to arbitrary people. I'll probably never see her again in my life, but the fact is we kept one another company for 40 minutes of our lives on this planet.
Critical Thinking was also quite excellent, although I don't know anyone in the class, the professor seems absolutely intriguing. She is a middle-aged middle eastern woman who speaks four languages fluently, and is having us read the "Iraq Study Group" as a main part of the course. It's going to be a rigorous semester (I can tell by her tone), but I think I'll polish my essay writing/critical thinking skills tremendously.
School ended early, around 2 PM, so I hopped in my car and got onto the 118 west. I called up my mother and talked with her all the way to Devon's house. She told me many interesting facts...
- It was negative 25 last night, the coldest it has been in Pittsburgh in like 20 years.
- She got an offer on the house (amidist negative weather!), and it will probably go into escrow next week
- She is going to move directly to Fresno (not in with her sister) and live with an old friend who is now a pot dealer (big time)
Devon's was a fiasco! His diswasher was broken, and so his mom was frazzled as well. To make matters worse, yesterday he dropped his brand new cell phone in the toilet and now it only works while plugged in. To make matters EVEN worse, two minutes after I stepped in the door, he dropped his ipod and absolutely smashed the screen! Three items broken in a 24 hour period! What a disaster! Anyway, the day cooled down and we sunk into our normal, methodical conversation quite quickly. We talked in depth about sociology and neuroscience as well as the chaos of our lives.
His grandmother showed up as we were sipping tea on the balcony, and upon arrival she was astonished to hear that he had become a pescatarian.
Devon's Grandma: What do you mean you don't eat meat? How will you get your protein? I sure hope you grow out of this!
Devon: Grandma, it's not a pair of bad jeans, it's an ethos.
(HAHAH)
We got a slice of pizza at Costco, invited Maya over, bolted to Starbucks and essentially spent the rest of the night having an in depth political discussion about the various Coups and military aggressions the United States has supported over the last fifty years. Devon has been listening to a lot of Chomsky/McChesney interviews lately and this has fueled our debates with immense amounts of factual information.
After stealing two more books at B&N, we capped the night on the balcony listening to Kerouac's lyrical voice. I just looked up at the stars and saluted, for I am thoroughly excited to see what the next few months hold.
P.S. Blaine is the best girlfriend ever, and I love her very much :-)
-Eli
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[03 Feb 2007|02:30am] |
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Today was like a cold leftover meal from panda express. The components were sweet, fried, and meaty, but they were still cold and breeding bacteria. The best part was conversing with kait kait about her life and eating vegan cookies. Hopefully tomorrow is 'better'. Oh shit, nevermind. the bessssst part by far was Derek and Devon telling "The Aristocrats" joke. I've never enjoyed an in-depth description of a father skull-fucking a cat before---lastly, one cannot forget the nightly talk of semen and masturbation, shitting, queefing, pissing, and so on. what else is new.
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[02 Feb 2007|02:13am] |
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Tonight was a great night. Ethan, Maya, Kassi and I conversed, drank coffee, sat with blankets together, tried to go to Carrows, told stories in Yum Yum, and watched Concert for George. It was very different from usual. We moved around and talked about fresh topics. Mmmm chemistry. P.S. Next time anyone sees kait, ask her how making out with a harmonica player is.
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[31 Jan 2007|01:08am] |
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Holy shit what a stressful day! I woke up at 11 A.M, refreshed and optimistic about my second day at CSUN! I suppose I thought too soon...It took me 45 minutes to park, and 30 of this was spent in a bumper to bumper parking structure with honking horns, blaring music, and revving engines. By the time I finally parked, I was on the top level of the structure, and late for class. (or so I thought) I walked a half of a mile in the harsh rain without an umbrella, abashedly sat down in the classroom, and then....It wasn't even the right one! To make a long, depressive, bleak two hours short---I wandered around from building to building getting rude, unsympathetic answers that amounted to "We changed the class times, and now your dropped, tough luck." So I stormed back up to the parking structure furiously, got in my car, and it took 30 more minutes to get DOWN the FUCKING structure! By the time I returned at the apartment, all I wanted to do was bash a window in. My ever-frustrated dad argued with me about these class changes somehow being my fault, so we got into a heated argument until I slammed the door and jogged to my car. "Fuck it," I said to myself. "I'm just going to go sign up for late classes at Moorpark." And so I did. I signed up for 14 units at Moorpark, which start next Monday. I just need to buy new books, get my refund from CSUN, and everything will be in ship shape. According to the counselor I talked to at Moorpark, a lot of the CSU classes aren't UC transferrable, so maybe this whole SNAFU worked out for the better...who knows, all I can comprehend is the fact that I fucking spent my entire day in extremely high stress until nightfall. Around 6pm, Erin took Devon and I out to Sushi, and then Starbucks where we talked about my escapades in Pittsburgh and sucked on clove cigarettes. Simon and Steve met us at Devon's house and us four boys accompanied by Kassi watched the film "Trainspotters." I think I'm ready to go to sleep. All in all, I really don't let all this bother me. I'm getting used to the absolute chaos of life. As long as I have some good times to look forward to on weekends, nothing can stop me.
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[29 Jan 2007|10:49pm] |
if saying "may i please see your id" was sugar, I would have died of diabetes today..
No, no, today was definitely a decent day. Little Eli (aka Woody Allen Jr.) dropped his French class because he didn't need it, fooled around in a Biology lab while studying plasmolysis, and got a haircut at a grody Supercuts on Roscoe and Tampa! (15 bucks though...i should just hire a hobo next time)
I showed up for work about five minutes until five, and the first two hours were insanity! I completely understand why they call this season "Rush." Holy fuck was it busy. I literally said the same thing 300 times within two hours. My arms are sore and my mind is spent. BUt hey, at least I made 5x7ish = 35 dollars....oh right, getting paid minimum wage without tips sucks. HAHAH. But at least I have a job.
Overall, the people who come into the bookstore are very kind. Some are sad, frustrated, and angry that they are paying 500+ dollars for textbooks, but here is the best (or worst) quote of the day:
"So are you guys getting paid 7.50 an hour now?"
"Yes"
"thanks a lot."
"for what"
"For raising my fucking book prices just so you could make an extra 75 cents an hour"
AHh...blame the little guy. Always blame the little guy america, while the rich man fucks you in the ass.
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[16 Jan 2007|02:16am] |
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What a wonderous weekend! I am eternally grateful for impromptu meals, bottomless cups of tea, Bob Dylan singalongs, gentle caresses, hands between legs to conserve heat, broken beer bottles, Beck's album "Sea Change", clove cigarette smoke, involved conversations (crack as the Irish would say), and a girlfriend whom I love immensely.
This week is going to be somewhat dismal ...nah I shouldn't say that. It's just unlikely that this week will be anything special until Friday-Saturday. Shit I need to wake up tomorrow at 9 A.M and call the CSUN bookstore to see if I'm training tomorrow. What a burn. I better go set my alarm before I stay up for another two hours looking up shit on Wikipedia.
Corn---Popcorn---Caramel Corn-----Caramel---Sugar (Glucose)---Fat---Obesity---Obese Celebrities---John Goodman.
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| engels ate donuts? |
[10 Jan 2007|01:54am] |
Today was indisputably a memorable day filled with innumerable joys and grand notions infused into epic discourse. However, it has left me in a strangely optimistic, yet unambiguously baffled state of mind.
Even as self-reflective as I am, I notice many new things about myself each and every day. Today I realized how little I question the future at times. For the past couple of months, my future has had a sort of tacit structure within my mind. I assumed "Oh I'll just transfer to Santa Cruz after 2 years and then whatever." But why? One would think as a philosophy major, I'd be asking "why" about seemingly fundamental constructs of my future.
I can truly live anywhere I want. In fact, if I really wanted to pack up next fall and live in an apartment with someone while going to a community college, I very well could. It's not far fetched at all, it's called freedom.
I truly love Blaine and I wish that we could see one another more often. I even wish I could see Devon more often, and I see him multiple times per week.
I suppose I'm being too utopian. Maybe I'm acting like horny seventh grade guys who say "Fuck, after 12th grade, we're going to Mardi Gras! Road Trip!" Or maybe I'm just facing the incomprehensible notion of freedom. With only one live to life, each choice counts infinitely much. Ma, this isn't Kansas anymore!
I definitely speculate about the future and grand ideas far too much. I stay up until 3 a.m staring at the ceiling contemplating existence, six months from now and the rest of my life. I question love and like; friendships and relationships, and the ultimate downfall of the ego upon parenthood.
Devon's right...people far too often look for answers where they should simply be asking questions. Q&A is a monumental expression. My ears are no longer hungry.
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[09 Jan 2007|12:03am] |
The past few days have bombarded my mind with myriad ideas about human nature. These concepts are not simple. No one really knows the answer to them, some just have more educated and logical speculations. By no means do I mean to group together psychological studies and redneck superstitions, but the fact is, most psychology (aside from biological based) is conjecture.
Allow me to write a bit about myself: I feel that the world is ultimately meaningless, and that we must find our own meaning in the indifferent universe. There is simply no logical or scientific reason why one should believe otherwise. Sure, the notions of God and meaning and fate are comforting. Hell yes they are comforting! However, I would rather live an authentic, at times uncomfortable existence than shed all heavy thoughts and float into the stratosphere.
Children have the blessing of being inherently naive. They are innately light. This is why, beyond any intellectual construct, I am grateful for certain ideas such as Santa Claus. It keeps children light. However, what bothers me is how teenagers, and a vast majority of adults refuse to shed this lightness, embracing naivete instead of facing the barren existence of reality.
Existentialism is not nihilism, in fact, it's much more optimistic than Christianity. Christianity focuses on the afterlife, how wonderful it will be! Existentialists and atheists focus on life NOW! We only have one life to live! However, this does not make atheists immoral. This forces them to construct a firm moral core, which emphasizes humanism.
"If life has no inherent meaning," You may ask, "Then why does it matter if I am naive?" It doesn't matter. Aside from potential psychological issues that may arise from living out the Puer Aeternus (Eternal Child) archetype, there is no real issue. It annoys me, in fact I believe as perceptive, conscious beings we have the responsibility to use our logic to its full potential. But that's just me, it's certainly no grand equation.
These thoughts have been arising from my recent run-ins with playfulness that I could no longer handle. I've been reading Bukowski and such for a few years, yet this feeling is new. Previously, I have been able to delve into any sort of silly, eight year old-esque pattern of behavior. However, recently this has become much more difficult for me to achieve. Whereas before I could ride the wave of elation, now I feel like a stranger on the sidelines, emotionally ostracized, smoking a cigarette of earth while looking into a Chuck E Cheese window.
Does this mean I can never just kick back and be childish? Absolutely not. It just means I can't do it to the same extent. Anyone who knows me, knows that am certainly odd, silly, strange, playful, etc quite often. Devon dubbed me the "God of Randomness," and I certainly have not lost this mindset (nor do I see ever losing it).
The other day, Blaine indirectly snubbed me as "taking life too seriously," and perhaps I do talk about intellectual topics more often than the average bear. (Fuck you, Yogi bear) However, I don't think I take life too seriously. I have a lot of uninhibited fun, and although I do had in depth conversations, I don't see this as a bad thing. I think most people don't take life serious enough. "Can't you see, " they say, "I'm just trying to have a good time, leave me alone, we'll talk about it later!" And then they never do. And then they die.
Maybe that's all right. I'll be rotting in the earth in 70 years, having thought about these ideas whereas they will be rotting, not having thought about these ideas. Our carbon atoms will intermingle and create an apple seed or something...granny smith apple...not the mealy ones though, those are just horrific.
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| life boner. |
[16 Dec 2006|05:58pm] |
I'm leaving to pick up Marcus in about 3 hours---wow I'm so ready to bone the hell OUT of here. SO ready. I'm ready like Rocky Balboa is ready to make another trilogy. I'm ready like Barry Bonds is ready to admit to congress that he knowingly shot up steroids. I'm ready like corn on the cob is ready to be buttered and devoured by long-toothed beavers.
PS. I wish I could stay up for 36 hours straight and just drive. Damn being human.
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[13 Dec 2006|12:23pm] |
Last night I fell asleep at 10:30 PM while listening to Iron & Wine. How radical is that? I haven't been able to fall asleep before 1-4am for...like...EVERRRRR. Woo, I'm done with 3/4 of my classes. I just went to school to turn in my philosophy paper---tomorrow is Bio final, and that is IT. Then I'm home free from my first of 16 semesters in college! PhD here I come!
On a side note, yesterday was the phoniest (meaning I used the phone a lot) day ever. I talked to Blaine for over an hour, to my Dad for an hour, to Ethan for 30 minutes, and to Leana for 45 minutes. Wow. Marvelous. I had a lucid dream midday, drank a glass of orange juice, and then I seriously had more energy than ever. I was able to enjoy phone conversations for hours! I felt like a 13 year old gal. I have to say, Blaine and I had a pretty awesome conversation.
Kong, King. Present.
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| love |
[12 Dec 2006|02:23am] |
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mood |
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horny for life |
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music |
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none; but Fragile Fawn embodies the spirit |
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December 12th has just been born. The 12th day of the 12th month has just left the loins of mother time! Yes! Marco arrives the night of the 16th! The days are slowly merging together! O, glorious clock, how you move forward just like the tortoise! Fuck the hare! That son of a bitch is going to die of diabetes! I cannot wait to get home and see the loves of my life! YES! The world is holy! Rejoyce/
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[29 Nov 2006|04:14am] |
A Moral Evaluation of...Myself
"Eli, we're starting the thirteenth year of our friendship, and we've never been in a fight about anything." Ethan chuckled into the phone.
"Yeah," I replied. "Except for that time I told Brie (a girl we knew) that you insulted her behind her back just so I could make a move on her, even though I participated in the insults as well."
"That wasn't a big deal though."
Ethan is just a forgiving person. How I spoiled his viable chances with Brie Sausser three years ago isn't the point, either. The point is that, although I sometimes feel like a completely moral being, I'm not. While riding my high horse of socialism I often feel morally exalted. "I love people, and believe in the most egalitarian society possible," I say to myself, uncontested. I criticize Christians and the Powers that Be for hypocrisy. I point out inconsistencies in religious thought, and how leaders treat the Golden Rule as childish naivete. However, while speaking to Ethan earlier today, I realized that I fall victim to these same moral dilemmas yet I have repressed them insofar they ceased to exist in my conscious mind.
Immanuel Kant's Categorical Imperative simply states that if an action cannot be applied universally, then it is not moral. For example, lets say a man cheats on his wife. If we make this universal, and say every man cheats on his wife, then we are left with the breakdown of society. There is no longer any trust or virtuous communication between couples. Thus, cheating on one's wife is not moral. One can side with the utilitarians, or even side with Ayn Rand in saying that "pursuing one's self-interest in the only moral act." However, I am a true believer in the Golden Rule, with an appendage to silence theoretical exceptions. Here's a prominent attack on Kant's Categorical Imperative. "What if someone is a sadomasochist and therefore enjoys pain. Is that person moral for killing a man?" I say the world is complex, and very seldom is a concept able to fit everyone within its parameters. However, an overwhelming majority of people on this earth, of the species Homo Sapiens Sapiens are not sadomasochists, are afflicted by basic emotions, and are subject to the Golden Rule.
One of my favorite human beings on this planet is Devon Geyer. However, throughout the two and half years we've known one another, I've done numerous cowardly, ignorant, and just plain mean things to the man. I've quit his band by "not showing up", I've ignored him purposely after obtaining my first girlfriend, I've even spent entire evenings making fun of his mannerisms with the McGachey siblings. What if he had done the same things to me? I certainly would feel differently about him. Why does he still tolerate me? Imagine if we applied universality to all those iniquities! This world would be an infinitely more twisted place.
Another example is Blaine Matis. She is incontestably my best female friend, and a magnificent individual. Nevertheless, I have treated her like some people treat their enemies. The list of my immorality directed towards her is so long, I cannot squeeze it into list form. In September 2005, we first began "hooking up." I hate to use the term, for it evokes images of histrionic teenagers giving head in gas station restrooms. Our "hooking up" was much more than that. We laid in her bed (often alongside Marco and Kelsey) and made out gently. We stared into one another's eyes and stroked each other's hair. But between our weekly hangouts (and invariably hookups) I'd perform sexual acts with my ex-girlfriend, Lindsey. Lindsey was still attached to me, and although I had little emotional baggage tied to her, I still found her greatly attractive. This double-life went on for over a month before Blaine and Lindsey found out about my hedonistic gamble. Lindsey wasn't upset, in fact she kept insisting we hang out week after week. In contrast, this broke Blaine's heart. At the time I lied to her claiming that "she was dreaming if she'd think I'd do such a thing." The cognitive dissonance in my mind caused me to both repress the action and rationalize it away in many respects. It took many reasons because one or two just didn't neutralize the cognitive dissonance. I'll go through some of my primary rationalizations:
1. It's okay because we weren't technically going out.
2. She's too clingy
3. I just want to be friends with benefits
4. I have the right to hookup with as many people as I want, after all I'm single.
...and so on.
So, instead of dealing with the situation, I simply ignored it. I let Blaine soak in a bath of uncertainty and heartbreak while I sought pleasure, amusement, and more hookups! We didn't talk much for a few months, but we intermittently got together when I falsely conned her into thinking I'd changed. Eventually, she came back full force and I thought, "Wow, I've won. See, I knew she'd eventually come back." What a smug, morally repugnant asshole. The new year followed, as did months of ignoring her, ridiculing her, as well as the icing on the cake of immorality:
One night, while in the presence of my Hedonistic friends and under the influence of marijuana (here I go with the rationalizations again), we called Blaine up via cell phone. We laughed about her "obsession" with me. (Although I truly felt the same about her) We made a fool out of her, video-taped it, and the next day did the unthinkable. The Hedonistic clan and I headed to Blaine's house, where a mini-party was going on. We popped in the DVD and made an ass of Blaine in front of all her friends on a 50+ inch HDTV. If that isn't morally low, I don't know what is.
The aforementioned examples certainly aren't an enumeration of all my moral wrongs, however they mark a realization for me. When girls fall in a relationship, they fall five times harder. Girls see a friends with benefits relationship as an insult. They think "Is he embarrassed to see me with his friends?" along with other questions about identity. Friends offer accusations that the "he is just using you."
This is why I cannot believe in Utilitarianism. This is why I cannot truly say Ayn Rand, the Objectivists, Egoists, and Hedonists are right. There's no intellectualism here, It's a matter of breaking someone's heart. There is no rational argument that can prove what I did to Blaine, Devon, Ethan (and others) is right. Was it right because I pursued my own self-interest? No, it was sick because I hurt people's feelings. I caused tears to flow, embarrassment, among other psycho-emotional atrocities.
We all learn the Golden Rule by the time we're five years old, yet few live by the concept truthfully. I love Blaine. I love Devon. I love Ethan. I have one choice and that is to face the bare facts of what I did. There are no excuses, no rationalizations that will cure the past. There only magic sprays are called PROPAGANDA, meaning you convince others by means of persuasion. In a world where existence precedes essence, where each action is an act of free will, I must take full responsibility for my actions. I'm not claiming to be cured. I didn't have an epiphany that made me some Born-Again Kantian philosopher. I'm just looking at the past and rationally trying to stop myself from making the same mistakes again. Sure, I'll make mistakes in the future, as will all of you, but if we understand the past, maybe some sadness will cease from being.
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| Thanks for the Sunny D, Sigmund! |
[03 Sep 2006|11:27pm] |
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music |
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sartre slurping chowder |
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Just yesterday, the Mayor of Pittsburgh, Bob O' Connor succumbed to a rare lymphoma and passed on. Today the Steelers' quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger had an emergency appendectomy and consequently will miss the first week or two of the NFL season. It seems, rationally, that these events would be addressed, and life would move on directly as it was. Unfortunately, most modern American minds don't conform to Newton's First Law of Physics. Why have these two events have turned the city of Pittsburgh to turmoil? I have to ask myself why people identify with mayors, sports figures and other pop-culture icons so much. There is a classic Freudian defense mechanism known as 'introjection'. This occurs when an individual "identifies with some noun (person, place or thing) so deeply, that it becomes part of that person". Growing up in Los Angeles, I certainly have experienced an ample amount of celebrity idolization, but here, the fanatical obsession with pop-culture icons is absurd.
I see a boy in my English classroom with five articles of Steelers' memorabilia plastered to himself. Is this really necessary? His backwards "World Champion" hat glares at me. The embroidered logo is Arlen Specter and I am an African-American. Somehow, the hat knows I'm from California. I can sense it. In fact, the whole room is tacitly angry at me for not cherishing its team. "I better keep my mouth closed about football" I think. "Or else I'll get burned at the stakes...during some pre-game Tailgate..." Anyway, this boy can barely hold his pencil correctly. His confusion pervades the entire classroom, spilling all over my notes. He'll probably end up in some construction yard five years from now, beating off to pictures of John Madden. Forgive me, I'm projecting my frustration onto this meek fellow, but isn't the clothing just absurd? It's a football team. A fucking sports team! I truly cannot understand how sports can exceed the realm of "leisure". With 13 ESPN channels and enough sports fanatics to fill Colin Ferrell's ego, I often wonder, if Americans invested 10% of this interest into politics, maybe neo-fascists wouldn't be in office.
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